Lost and Found

I feel like my life is on two different sides of the street and I don't know which side to walk on, so I just keep walking down that center line.....but sooner or later I'm going to get hit by a fucking car.


We all have moments were we feel so complete, so found, so confident that we are doing exactly what we need to be doing, we are exactly were we're suppose to be.
We also all have moments where we feel lost, where we don't know what to do or where to be.
I think it's so easy to get lost in this world, especially this Los Angeles life. The outside noise can drowned out your own, the beast can swallow you, and you will not feel in control.
When these moments of Lost happen it would be nice to always take some time for yourself; stop working, go to the beach, do some yoga, but unfortunately sometimes you are forced to live in this real world and the real word doesn't care how you feel today; you still have to show up to work, you still have your responsibilities.  I know that free will and choice exist but they sure as hell are hard to Find sometimes.

Tune me up!

"Attunement. It means to bring into harmony. To tune the instrument. What are we but simply instruments, waiting to be tuned?"

-Anthony Meindl

I've been going through a lot of physical pain lately, and fighting anger and depression, because movement is a HUGE part of my well-being, and with my pain I can't move. I can't do anything really. I have SO much sympathy for anyone with chronic pain! It can turn you into a monster. I have been absolutely horrible to myself and to everyone around me, especially those who care the most. BUT I plan to heal; not just my physical ailments, but my mental ones as well. I need to be re-tuned! My life has gotten out of sync along with my back and body. I'm back home, and I have faith that my time here will heal me. We all need adjustments at times, windows of opportunity to re-center ourselves, replenish, re-tune. Lets get back insync shall we?

No extra points for the struggle

So, nothing puts your life in perspective like your back going out. Suddenly all that complaining about medial things seems pale in comparison. I am a person who is lured to the dark side. The dark side being the side of struggle and heartache. If it's not hard, its not "worth" as much. If it's easy, then it's not as "important." These ideas become very silly when your whole body hurts.
You don't get extra points for the struggle. This is a phrase I hear in my acting world all the time. There is an idea that as an actor you have to struggle; you have to sleep in your car, and go hungry, and live a very hard life at times in order to keep being an actor. BUT that is not a requirement, there are not extra points for the struggle.
I am trying to learn that struggle doesn't add value to the outcome. I'm trying to learn that if something is easy then that's wonderful, and just as valuable, and important as something that was birthed out of pain and struggle.
 I'm trying to learn that if something is very hard, heartbreaking, and causing me to struggle a lot, it doesn't mean that it's the BEST thing for me to do. My stubborn blood boils and I get tunnel vision and I live in that struggle, instead of taking a step back and asking "Does it have to be this hard? Is there is an easier way? Can I let this struggle and story go?"
It's hard to take that step back. It's hard to feel good when your not struggling, or when something comes easy. How fucked up is that?
So, thank you back pain for making me take a step back and look for an easier ways to live.....at least for today. 

  My Brand, My Life, My Periscope

Periscope has taken the place of my blog. I hope to continue to write when I feel the need, but for now my focus will be on writing my book, pursuing my acting, and when I need to "blog,"  I will do it through Periscope. It's a scarier medium for sure, but it gets me out of my shell and forces me to grow. The picture above is my recent work on my brand, the picture below is past work on my brand.  My work in acting has always mirrored my life in some way, but now they seem to truly be parallel to one another.  The deeper I dive into who I am as an actor, the deeper I have to dive into who I am as a person. It's terrifying, hard, rewarding, and fulfilling.

So, let keep living shall we. I sure have a lot more life to live:) Love Love Love

staying positive

Staying positive is a challenge. A challenge that I recently failed. I went back home for a week and I felt all the work I had done vanish, and I hopped on the brain train to negative, destructive, bitter town and set up camp.The moment I got back to LA I felt things begin to get better and by that evening I was once again living my dream and feeling so blessed and grateful. Why couldn't I find that at home?
A major part of my inability to find the silver lining when I was home was I discovered I had been letting someone in who was not good for me. I have had a lot of heartbreak this year and nothing gets me on the brain train to depressedville faster than a taste of betrayal (usually it's myself that I feel betrayed by-but that's a whole other rabbit hole.) The point is, I let this first encounter dictate the rest of my trip, I wasn't able to let it go and find my happy place. So, today I woke up way too early to drive and do something I didn't want to do, but "needed" to do for my career, only to once again be turned away, (2nd time) and I was upset for about 2 seconds and then I was able to continue on, it didn't get to me. I feel like so many "disappointments" or speed bumps happen here in LA that your programmed to stay positive and focus on the good things because otherwise you would just give up. I need to learn to take this survival programming I have for LA and being an actor in general, and use it the next time I go home. I need to remember how to laugh and shake it off when the universe fucks with you just like I do everyday here in LA.  One of my idols Anthony Meindl says, "The things I think I need to hear from others are the things I must give to myself."  What I didn't hear and get when I was home I should have given to myself, and I should have cut myself some slack for being duped once again in love. So, next time I will:)

Ecstasy Superpower

I have a yoga instructor that talks about allowing yourself to be in a state of ecstasy, to find that “yum,” as he calls it. It’s easy for me to find that “yum,” the overwhelming joy and delight in physical activities. I have always loved to move, and movement is the first place I go whenever I feel sad, anxious, stressed, angry, happy, lonely, excited, no matter what is happening, I can always find comfort through movement. I see children find this overwhelming joy all the time. This feeling is also linked to what I wrote yesterday about beginners love.

Now, recently I have began to mediate and it has changed my life in so many ways, but the way in which it relates to that feeling of joy and ecstasy is what I want to write about today. One of the changes I have seen in myself since I found mediation is that I have the ability to feel ecstasy and overwhelming joy similar to that of a child in so many things. It’s a mechanism that has been reawakened in me that I catch glimpses of every day. The idea alone that we can get back those things that we lost as children is so amazing! I have reawakening what I am calling the ecstasy superpower and it is...well...overwhelmingly wonderful. ;)

初心者は愛

Shoshinsha wa ai 

"Beginners Love" 

This idea of beginners love has been on my mind.........

For one, I am trying lots of new things, and I am filled with the curiosity, play, adventure and love that comes from being a beginner. At the same time however, I am trying to break away from the preconceived notions I have, and manifest a beginners love for certain things that are not new, and that I am not a beginner at. 

I have been scorned by love and loss, as we all have, and at times I let those past scars close me off from the possibilities that come when I approach things from a beginners love. Now, part of this is a survival instinct, and I am grateful that I have been taught lessons in love and loss and that I am not new to this world but, I wish to find a balance between re-kindling a beginners love for all things and learning from my past. I want to always be able to see all the possibilities, and be curious, adventurous and open. 

First Time

First times are exciting, dreadful, hopeful, scary, awkward, adventure filled, and sweaty:) But they are  always memorable. Everyone remembers their first kiss, their first car, their first......well this is my first blog! Popping my blog cherry (that sounds dirty) and joining the online world of bloggers is something I have thought about doing many times,  but like so many things in my life, I put it on hold. I've recently un-paused  my life and I've been doing things I've always wanted to. I don't have any expectations of what this blog will be, or what I will get from it. I'm just along for the ride. I want to share my thoughts and put into words the transformations that are taking place in my life. That's all! Cherry popped:)