Tune me up!

"Attunement. It means to bring into harmony. To tune the instrument. What are we but simply instruments, waiting to be tuned?"

-Anthony Meindl

I've been going through a lot of physical pain lately, and fighting anger and depression, because movement is a HUGE part of my well-being, and with my pain I can't move. I can't do anything really. I have SO much sympathy for anyone with chronic pain! It can turn you into a monster. I have been absolutely horrible to myself and to everyone around me, especially those who care the most. BUT I plan to heal; not just my physical ailments, but my mental ones as well. I need to be re-tuned! My life has gotten out of sync along with my back and body. I'm back home, and I have faith that my time here will heal me. We all need adjustments at times, windows of opportunity to re-center ourselves, replenish, re-tune. Lets get back insync shall we?

No extra points for the struggle

So, nothing puts your life in perspective like your back going out. Suddenly all that complaining about medial things seems pale in comparison. I am a person who is lured to the dark side. The dark side being the side of struggle and heartache. If it's not hard, its not "worth" as much. If it's easy, then it's not as "important." These ideas become very silly when your whole body hurts.
You don't get extra points for the struggle. This is a phrase I hear in my acting world all the time. There is an idea that as an actor you have to struggle; you have to sleep in your car, and go hungry, and live a very hard life at times in order to keep being an actor. BUT that is not a requirement, there are not extra points for the struggle.
I am trying to learn that struggle doesn't add value to the outcome. I'm trying to learn that if something is easy then that's wonderful, and just as valuable, and important as something that was birthed out of pain and struggle.
 I'm trying to learn that if something is very hard, heartbreaking, and causing me to struggle a lot, it doesn't mean that it's the BEST thing for me to do. My stubborn blood boils and I get tunnel vision and I live in that struggle, instead of taking a step back and asking "Does it have to be this hard? Is there is an easier way? Can I let this struggle and story go?"
It's hard to take that step back. It's hard to feel good when your not struggling, or when something comes easy. How fucked up is that?
So, thank you back pain for making me take a step back and look for an easier ways to live.....at least for today.